When those moments of memories hit your daily working and highly functional mind you feel the sensation of sheer terror immediately wanting to cry. The fascinating thing about this whole scenario is that you don’t have a clear image of the past event. There is just a longing to see it, to feel it and to either fall in love with it or kill it.
Annie “Wake up Gunnar. We’ve got to stay ahead of them.”
Annie kept shaking me trying to rouse me but it seemed I was in some kind of trance
I finally ask Annie through a congested gargle “Annie, how long have I been away?”
Annie, “It’s been a long while. You have a daughter by me. I will bring her over this Friday, no, no can we make it for Saturday?”
I just shook my head and that was all that happened that day. I slept the day and night away dreaming about Annie Cosmic, the wild spirit and me the man full of sin and wonder lust bringing a baby into this world. I’ll bet she’s awesome. I have no doubts it a girl.
The next morning Annie was once again shaking the hell out of me screaming, “Gunnar, god damnit Gunnar wake up!”
I started to come back and Annie was still looking down at me. Her beautiful breasts just hung there waiting to be sucked on so I did which Annie let me do for about ten minutes and she pulled me away and whispered “O Johnny boy how much I would love to have you fuck my brains out right now but there is danger of the cloved foot ahead. We have to keep moving”. She caressed my penis till I felt the little death and Annie Cosmic got something to clean me up with.
Annie helped me out of my bed and got me dressed and what tubes needed to stay attached she made sure they were indeed attached, hidden and secure. Once I was dressed which was the first time in five months Annie heaved me up onto my very own luscious lime green air brushed and metal flaked scooter with sporty tires, fake chrome pipes coming out the back and it was also equipped with a killer stereo all tricked out. It was even set up with a mini steering that was what actually steered it. It was so lounge tacky. I loved it.
Come on down you know that the kid is alright.
It was to be reminisce of the Vee Wee wagon I had it was a 1969. Man I loved my microbus. I have always loved my life and I have to somehow keep that foremost in my thinking.
It’s been almost a year in one bed after another and the Techs and nurses and even the doctors here remember when I was out of my mid. I had become truly insane. My recovery has been miraculous. My recovery is the type that should have made me believe in God but it didn’t and I feel like a shit because my recovery isn’t as far along as I think it should be. I am frustrated because I can’t walk yet even though I think I am very close. I get very upset when my doctor starts messing with my medications and I end up with high blood pressure again. High blood pressure and the virus MRSA is what got me here. High blood pressure is what probably screwed up my kidneys and even though I am producing enough urine every day they keep saying that they don’t know if the impurities are being cleaned from my blood. I wonder sometimes, when will they know? Will I have to have a kidney transplant? Will I just finally shut down on this physical plain and move into the infinite all, the pure consciousness?
Under the circumstances you get to a place where all the options are available and they all are of equal importance and each one would be a good “next step”.
I remember all of my brothers in great detail when we were kids on Middle Pike and then on Kilbury Huber remember us as a gang, all of us in it together and then I remember those moments when it was just one on one and then there became a separation from Thad and Paul but dear brother and I always stayed comrades. I was a lot of work for my dear brother but he never gave up man he never gave up and now they have my broken arse up here in Columbus instead of Lima where my dear brother and his boys are and all of my dysfunctional friends reside who are waiting for me to come back and save the day, and it’s harder to get up to see me.
My precious, my perfectly wonderful daughter tries to make it up to here three times a week and always bring me in some real food. I love it when she brings humus with warm pita bread and even though I am a vegetarian ninety percent of the time when she brings me White Castle cheeseburgers I become a very happy hypocrite.
I’ve said it before I know this is an inconvenience on dear brother and Sunflower. I know that there are times when I am a burden and if I could change it I would immediately.
This is new to me, brand new. I have never felt so helpless for so long. I’m starting to feel the edges fray and the whole fabric of my universe fracture and crumble apart.
I also feel myself moving into a completely new spiritual and psychic energy. I am seeing karma that has brought me to this place and the growth that has subsequently happened.
I said to my dear brother, Sunflower and the hand full of friends that still stay in touch with me that my life would never be the same again and well that true but what I am not giving credit to, not acknowledging is that it just might be and will be if I follow the path that is in front of me the best, most stunning experience I have ever known.
It’s time for me to rise up from these ashes of shame and guilt, these burning embers of sorrow and pity and to walk free into my new skin, to sing the new songs, write the new words and paint the canvas that is the infinite all new colors.
I want to be that person that people quote from my writings.
I want to travel the waves of consciousness and visit all the secrets of this universe.
I want to be in love and to make love to the perfect one in my dreams.
I think, no I know that my journey, this six year trek through the first bought of MRSA, high blood pressure, obesity and type II diabetes has brought me to this place that I am currently calling my reality. I was confronted with my abusive actions that I put upon myself. I was confronted with how much alcohol had taken from me but I was also made aware of how marijuana had been a positive thing in my life but I can’t just go half way on anything. I have to either be using everything or nothing. I am currently on too many medications that I could easily become addicted to and I’m not to believe that there are not levels of consciousness in all things including those things that keep you healthy and sane. That keep me healthy and sane. It’s funny that the only time I can actually admit to being obese is when I am no longer obese because I lost like a hundred and fifty pounds in for months all due to my being so sick and near death. My dear brother and I thought about putting a video on YouTube called Near Death Diet but the problem someone would take it seriously.
I’m starting to remember some of the instances when I was completely bat shit out of my mind. I keep seeing myself in this place that was run by college students and we were in some gigantic house with various rooms that I knew about but I never saw. There were moments when I was being mistreated and abused but I also knew while this was going on that it was all being manifested in my own hallucinating head.
This was a time when my magical thinking had no controls on it. I was free to move as far out into the infinite universe as I wanted and I did but a lot of my journeys were resolving old pains.
The place felt like a shopping mall for crazies and I was in this chair bed all curled up and I was asking, no begging for help and weeping but no one could help and some were even rude and I don’t know if this was the case or not. I also remember that perspective and dimensions were distorted. Nothing seemed close enough or too close. People kept coming in to see if I was alright but when I would tell them I was in tremendous pain they did nothing. At last that is the way it felt. My primary goal was to escape. I felt like I was being held prisoner.
I would remember being wheeled down to die-Annie get your alysis and it was this terrible journey through all of these hallways of blood and death and things of alien nature that I didn’t understand and then I would be in the dialysis room which is the room I am in now where I go for dialysis and I was crying and asking for help and the nurses were so loud and I just felt so alone. I was going through one operation after another and they were trying to level my meds which Baton Rouge Nursing Home of Lima, Ohio had screwed up so bad. That is where the hallucinations started, in Lima where Lima Memorial performed my first operation and botched it and I was shipped back to the nursing home where they didn’t know what to do with me so they just kept feeding me drugs and I just kept getting farther and farther from the shore.
My poor daughter had to make the decision to cut the knots and mats out of my hair. My long hair was gone. The new cut didn’t look bad at all and it was all growing back so who knows.
As I have said before a Dr. UL performed four back to back operations at OSU hospital in Columbus to scrape the MRSA out of my spine and then fill it full of steel so that I would have support and not just break in half. I visualize this sometimes.
I should be nothing but grateful and in all sincerity I am eternally grateful. For some reason over the last year I did not die even when twice in the earlier days it appeared I was going to die and I didn’t.
The time has come to meditate my path and to find a new direction. It is time to rid myself of guilt and shame the two things that haunted my dad and that he also took to his grave along with other demons.
I am not my father’s son. I almost ended up like him, but that just isn’t who I am. I am a unique power. I am a force to be reckoned with as long I surround myself with positive energy and my beautiful ally’s.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit