Dancing to silence
Nothing in this world is the same. The changes are profoundly painful and confusing. Even a hammer is no longer just a hammer just as ever single word that is spoken is subject to scrutiny now.
I am lost in the vocabulary of what pain is and what it takes to relieve this pain.
You find no pleasure in my reoccurring dream that is the nightmare that I am being forced to live every single minute of every single day.
Ask me why I am smiling.
It’s a quiet night. My headphones are playing lounge music while I wait for my JJ BLT sub to be delivered. I will wheel up and receive my gift at midnight when most of the residents are sound asleep and the last thing on their minds is an incurable hunger.
She was dancing to the silence in the room. We all sat uncomfortable wondering what tune it was that she heard.
Confused???
I feel confused as my readers appear to be also. I was merely trying to convey what it was like going through this situation but somewhere in the descriptive and the reality there has been a black void appear.
I wish I could say that I am thrilled with the outcome here but I'm not. I want to get better but I don't know what getting better means anymore. How long do I go before I finally say, "ok, it's time to move on and to Move forward and to find the spirit in all of this." I need to find the spirit in all of this.
Televisions playing everywhere. Different channels, different beliefs, most are just distractions only adding to the confusion.
Every night the insanity awakens. Including mine
Yea, yes of course my voices rage as loud as the others. No one ends up here by accident or by doing everything right.
It's never too late
It's never too late to say I was wrong. I was not there when I should have been. I blamed others and situations for my own fears and inadequate behaviors. I lied about it all to the point that even the truth became a lie.
When the greater part of your life is a blackout you have no other choice than to make something up.
The seeker will only be there if you call to him. There must be a reason for the seekers appearance. There must be something to seek. There must be the anticipation of something found. Beyond all of that life is merely an illusion. Go ahead sleep, perchance to dream mother fucker. Perhaps you will dream of a different world and what if the world you dream of is even more horrifying than the one you are living now.
This is not just a place to grow old and die. This is a place to house the insane and to properly medicate before letting them back out into the works. If they do not respond to the medications then we simply keep them locked up until such time that they die leaving only a Copy of their dreams.
Sometimes darkness prevails but we can never forget about the fact that we are all made of stardust. We are all connected in the consciousness.
We are one.
I sit here in loneliness sometimes.
There is no other solution I just have to. Then are the times when I can meditate and find a center of light and color that will bring me absolute peace and happiness.
Went outside and found that it looks like a beautiful day. Appears that way. Is indeed a beautiful day but is also still a little chilly.
I want the weather to change.
I want to be able to wheel my ass around during the day and come back at night.
Yea yea.
It’s not that cold....get to it or shut up....another snowstorm coming.
Yea it was reading about it. You have all my coats. They wrap me in blankets when I go out early in the cold morning.
Think about what you sound like....Sunflower has bought you computers....you've ordered 873 pounds of food....countless crap over amazon....and you say "you have all my coats"....."They wrap me in blankets"....for a moment, a brief clear moment....
Sooo.....ignoring me now.
No not ignoring you. I fell asleep. My roommate is gone till Tuesday.
I have been in the room all day enjoying the solitude and I was enjoying it so much I fell asleep in the chair. I've watched two movies.
You are right I never thought of it. I ordered a wardrobe from amazon but never thought about a coat. I thought about the coat as being when you were coming to visit.
So now you are ignoring me.
Nothing better than good sleep....nothing.
I texted you right back about sleep....you 11 year old asshole.
Now I will ignore you.
Kidding...
I needed a good nap. I haven't been sleeping much at all.
Did you find my first text....I am writing and working on school stuff.
Yes I did and you are right. I attached an interesting insecurity on the cost.
Coat not cost.
It has to be so weird...but, it’s really always been weird I guess.
Sometimes just slightly weird.
Sometimes very weird.
Yea I know that now. It's always been slightly weird because I just wasn't normal. I know that with Sunflower now. Sunflower and I have a father daughter relationship more now than ever and spending time with Wyeth is amazing. I am sorry it was always a little weird.
Some of the little weird was good though. The vulnerable things.
Whew...yea....those who should really apologize will never be willing or able to do so....that's the way of misery I think.
The adventures that made me feel human. You have given me such a part of my life.
Yea it is the way of misery. You are right there.
That's sweet....likewise of course...we will see what dreams may come...the future holds what it holds.
True. The future is such a tenuous place right now. Not sure if that is the right word.
There is someone yelling help. Sometimes you get so tired of waiting for a nurse or an aid to come that you just start yelling. You are not in dire need. You just want someone to show up. Someone to pay attention.
It's a more animated part of life. We are children again.
That's encouraging....but that will make a good poem...what does it take before you start yelling for help.
Absolutely.
Time.
I have learned you can get by with a sponge bath for a long time.
You can was your hair in a sink and get it clean
Hmmm....I did for 8 weeks....but I get it...you're weird.
Yea I was always one for long showers and being clean. I never felt clean. Now I realize it's not that important. Not sure how to say that it is important just not as important.
It was all about appearances.
No comment I suppose...perhaps you will learn...perhaps we all will.
Maybe. Time is the messenger right now.
Her voice will haunt us forever. It’s a wanting a desperate wanting.
Buried deep within the recesses of pain. She says, “You run away from what you need to be doing. You run away from me.”
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
groovy