The place is quiet at one in the morning. I can wheel down the halls and not see any of the residents out and about. My roommate’s side of the room is blinking violently with flashing lights. I’ve stopped trying to figure it out. I just sit and notice the lights and listen to his snores.
I’m out of paint and will be till Saturday. I am also out of food till Saturday. That’s when Wyeth and Sunflower come to visit and bring me my supplies.
Last weekend was Easter weekend and my dear brother and his one son came to visit and it was very nice and then Sunflower and Wyeth came on Saturday. None of us celebrate Easter. Instead it was a celebration to me that they came to see me.
The aide came in and threw away all of my Styrofoam cups that I had been saving. They can’t use them a second time even if all they have had in them was ice.
Man it’s idiotic.
We are supposed to be recycling but we are so obsessed with disease that we create more waste out of our fears and you would think I understood this considering I was in the position I was in over infection, MRSA.
The aide was very kind asking about my family and if I had a good weekend and all and actually seemed genuinely interested. Genuinely interested at one twenty in the morning?
My roommate backs himself up to the wall facing the little sink in our room and he somehow has some connection with god and even pronounces this as he hits his head against the wall. It’s very confusing to me. He then returns to his part of the room on the other side of the curtain and continues to talk to himself, to whisper and to make the noises that he makes.
Today has been a day of struggling to be ok with what my reality is.
Well the drunks are running the place again. We've got a fat man that is running a bible study group and he likes porn while the guy next to me is drunk and is creating a moral dilemma about the fat guy professing to be a bible study guy while he is drunk and being hateful. I'm not sure what I think about any of it anymore. I think what is really going on is a powder keg is about to blow and it’s not going to be pretty.
I wonder what the drunk guy who apparently when he is drunk has very strong convictions about religion would think if he found out I don’t believe in God.
I always worry about these types of wild assed random behaviorisms happening when my daughter and grandson are here. I would not react very kindly or with love and peace.
I am doing everything possible to follow that life of peace and tolerance but if my daughter and grandson were placed in any danger, and let’s not bullshit here, when these types of situations happen when two people are about to get into a fight, this is a dangerous situation for all that are involved in the confrontation even if you are merely a bystander.
Earlier tonight I finally jumped all over Richardson and told him to stop staring into peoples rooms and to mind his own damn business.
Like I said we are getting too close to an eruption taking place.
I stopped drinking because I was a terrible drunk. I stopped using trip, barbiturates, amphetamines and narcotics because the combination on a daily basis was just too much. I stopped smoking pot because they put me on a drug to help my bi-polar stuff and the drug just made me forget about weed and didn’t do anything but intensify my bi-polar. After the year that I just put in I will definitely smoke me a joint when I finally get out of here. My point is this. I was a terrible drunk so what I don’t want to be around is terrible drunks when I don’t drink.
I hate the behavior. I hate it. I hated myself for the person that I would become.
I have made a choice to not be a part of that world and yet, in this very close environment we have to put up with this all the time.
I frankly think they have a right to say, “Mr. Preacher man if you are going to look at porn please close your god damn door or Mr. drunk there is no place for you here. If you choose to drink and get drunk know that you have to get immediately back to your god damn room and not bother anyone or you will be fucking thrown out and for the crazy shaky bastard next to me. Shut the fuck up and mind your own damn business.
Hopefully everyone settles down tomorrow.
Today has not been a good day. I am not happy with my life. I feel a tremendous desire to make a dramatic or even drastic change. I hope this feeling subsides and I get back to something more subdued.
I’m tired of being locked up in this room because I just do not want to deal with the insanity that is going on outside this room.
What I have to continue to remember is that as this all unfolds the balance is happening. I am becoming more spiritual. I am one with consciousness and I am staying in the now. For the most part this is true. I still have days like this where I feel very scattered and alone.
The irony is I am surrounded by more people than I have been in a long, long time and I am more alone than I have ever been in my life.
The dude that was drunk and raging is really a nice guy for the most part. Listening to him I do understand that he has a very checkered past and I’m guessing alcohol has a lot to do with that but he seems to be trying to be a kind and considerate person until tonight when the booze took over.
The sad irony is that nothing will be the same tomorrow. Everyone will be uncomfortable at first wondering what the two parties involved are going to do. The sad irony is that the man with the hat that was drunk will never be trusted again and the preacher will have a lot less followers and that just may be the justice they deserve.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit