The voices that you think you hear are not really there my friend. They are a grand illusion designed to keep you afraid, to keep you strangling in the small room at the top of the stairs with our fathers belt around your neck.
I suppose I accomplished what set out to do with writing this. I wanted to give documentation to the experiences that I have gone through on a physical level, near death, etc., and give an account of what it is like being in a nursing home rehab facility. The information has been tallied and he results are in. This is a terminal hell.
I am sick and tired of hearing the incessant whispers behind the curtain. I am sick and tired of listening to him swallow, hard, harder, harder. I am sick and tired of being close enough that I can smell his filth and it's not just his filth. It's the filth of the entire place. It's my filth. It's the filth of this city and the filth of the world. Everything smells like piles of shit that is resting in the diapers of the grandest to the lowest. Shit smells no matter who is wearing the diaper.
I feel myself falling apart and who knows maybe I need to fall apart to be put back together again and maybe it's all just mambo jambo bullshit self help healing with dirt and sticks and rocks out of the driveway.
Eyes of death waiting stare out of the rooms at three in the morning. I wheel past and look in. They are searching for something. I just don't now what it is. Eyes of the afflicted man. The manifest man of eleven hundred pounds. He is watching Family Guy at three in the morning, laughing.
I didn't want this to just become a diary of my life in a nursing home with a guy in the room with me that will scream out Jesus or Pussy for no apparent reason, no wait that is what this is about. It's about the very crazy and eccentric things that have gone on here and yet I want it to always be positive for the most part and that is what I wonder about. Is it positive or negative?
My allowance came today. It's raining out so I couldn't go to my little restaurant. I promised I wouldn't order food but I couldn't help myself. I needed to taste real food for a change. I ordered a Big Don's sub from Dinato's which I haven't had in years, many years. I just needed it. My brother mailed me money which will be here tomorrow and I figure I will venture to my little haven tomorrow.
I also still have to get my bank card straightened out. What used to be simple annoyances have become major events to take care of now. I find it all so very difficult to get used to.
My life is based upon memories right now. Everything I do or even think about doing brings back to mind something that happened in my past. Sometimes the memories are so powerful that they just hit me right up side the head with emotions that can range from rage to sobbing sadness.
I don't really find these emotions bad. I just find it disconcerting the way they have become so powerfully prevalent in my life right now. Bird gifting me with the mojo bag and the smoky quartz has also electrified my sensitivity. It's absolute amazing.
I feel myself being awakened again to the spiritual nature that has always been there inside of me.
I remember when it became very powerful during a period of time that I was going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings. The meetings and the concepts and beliefs of the program are not what was opening or awakening me It was the energy that had always been there are I was able o touch it now that I was clean and sober.
The problem was he attention that this brought to me. I just became so overwhelmed and felt myself being suffocated. I ran away from the people and the energy.
I feel myself being more protective of my energy this time. I can see people like my roommate read into this energy and want to be a part of whatever I am doing and there are a couple more people who are drawn to this energy.
See this energy isn't me. I am the energy. I am simply a part of whatever this force is and it takes discipline for it to really grow and work. This was also where I made mistakes the first time. I let my ego get into the way.
Its as I always say, it's consciousness, it's the infinite now. It's uber beautiful groovy cool man. It's so amazing feeling this new found re-found energy, this positive force that is enlightened and made more powerful through the beautiful elements of the earth, the sky and the universe, the infinite now.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
uber groovy