Never look back

Never look back my friend, never look back.

Never look forward, no never look forward.

There is only one place to be in this life and that is

right here and right now.

Nothing else matters.

It's either lies from the past or hallucinations from the future.

Stay in the now my friend, stay in the here and now.

Throw away your watch and destroy all of your clocks because what they tell is a story of past and future and those are merely illusions.

I sit in the dark listening to his grotesque snoring and have just given up trying to get him to stop.

I sit in the darkness starving for real live, real food, real love, real comfort, real creativity, real anything.

I sit in the darkness looking at the posts over and over again crying at many. I am desperately in need of release of any kind. I must continue to survive so that I will eventually be free again to live.

They all listen to madmen speak of God as they sleep at maximum volumes. I wonder if they can hear this preaching.

Can he hear God screaming at him above his snoring? Does he think he is reaching out to God when he screams out “Pussy!” or “I am Jesus!”?

I don't choose to search for God or to listen to ravenous madmen preach of God as if they knew who this God was.

No one knows.

It's impossible to know. It would completely destroy the illusion that has been created here. God, if we really know who God was could not live up to the imagination of those madmen or us. God if he was known would be subject to criticism and questions about his motivation.

God must continue to be a secret. It's the only way the whole scam works.

We must continue to feel guilt and shame over being human. Why else would we go search out the madmen to tell us that here is a solution. It is an unattainable fix but it gives us a sense of false hope and we continue on our path of guilt and shame and remorse but we believe, yes we believe there is a way out, a way into the heart of this make believe God.

God changes with the region and location and changes to always satisfy the needs of the male species. The male must stay in charge or so they think because they are in essence weak but they can hide this weakness with the brutality of belief, government and violence.

It is time for the female energy to rise up in any way that it can and to lead us all on a more focused path to love and peace, toward a greater understanding of life and birth. It is time for the male energy to be defeated and for the female to rise up and be the true leader that it has always been. It is time for man to step aside and let woman redefine the universe.

I have become a prisoner because I refused to listen to my heart. I was too busy running rampant like a man satisfying all of my wants and needs and not paying attention to the damage that was taking place. I was to preoccupied with feeling good and not understanding that my eternal search for feeling good was destroying me as a spiritual being.

I was set free when I realized the power that my daughter possessed as a woman and a mother. I was set free when I realized the sacrifice that my mother made to be a wife and mother to her four boys. I was released from the chains when I accepted my failure as a husband and even as a father as time passed.

I was too busy being a man. I would not listen. I refused to give in. I was blind to the truth. I would not allow myself to know the essence of love. The purity of love. The eternal consciousness of love.

My daughter became a miracle to me.

Bird became a miracle to me also.

They opened me to the gifts of the earth which opened me to the power and energy that I possessed and I was finally free to become closer to understanding the spiritual nature of God and my connection to that and to the conspicuousness. I finally was able to direct my heart and visions and I was able not to look but to see and to see as Don Juan taught Carlos. I was returning full circle to my spiritual roots and I am now at peace.

I sit here alone as I am surrounded by objects of humanity lost and forgotten and I pray to this make believe God to release me from this prison.

I will accept the karma that goes with my legs not working and I will take my chair and venture into the world as a handicapped man. I am ready to move on and to move forward into this new direction and new life but not here. Not in this place with someone in the room next to me screaming and yelling out right now for some relief which he will not receive. It's impossible here. The place is not designed for that and we are not built for that.

My object direction of representing this place has become for me a joke. A terribly unfunny joke of the broken and the transformed and even a few aged and demonic.

The nurse said that we were one of the few facilities that accepted a younger crowd. A facility that took in the addled, drug and alcohol soaked either from present or past.

I find it ironic that this is where I ended up. I held tight to my government granted benefits and they have all failed me miserably.

I want to be free and I want my SSI back and I want a cat and a little dog and I want to live alone and I want to take material and turn my new apartment into a tent so that it feels like we are camping when Jacob and his boys come over.

I may be living in a past world that can never exist again.

I have a relationship with my daughter today that is beautiful and full of love and I feel such love for my grandson.

I am building a new relationship with Jacob and his two boys. It is taking time but we will see our new adventures unfold as my live moves from this place to the real world and let me make it very clear. This is not the real world here. You cannot live under this kind of roof and consider yourself in the real world. Frankly the real world is when you find yourself stuck in a crack in the sidewalk and there isn't any aides around. You have to figure this shit out on your own.

I am actually having a hard time getting back on track of reporting or presenting what occurs at this nursing home and how it affects me. I am so wrapped up in the whole state of what my life is, has become because of the facility and the current circumstances. I am expressing emotions a lot and seeking some kind of response, disapproval or approval.

I spend time verbalizing my need for Sunflower and Wyeth and Jacob and his two boys. They are the only family I know right now.

My circle is small. There's Bird but she is working on her own life right now too. There isn't one person here that I would consider letting into my circle. I done that before in the past and found that it just doesn't work.

As far as someone to be involved with I also have to be careful with that. I have chosen some pretty crazy women and it affect Alyssa and Jacob. It's more important to have the foundation that they give than to get hooked up with another crazy woman. A crazy woman and a crazy man just makes for crazy but that seems to be who is attracted to me or at least those are the ones I am paying attention to.

cool peace

hippy mike

love

spirit

uber groovy