My roommate and I were talking and he said that he couldn't wait to get out and get a couple blunts, a fifth of Canadian Mist and a pack of cigarettes and sit around all day and blaze. I said, “get some real whiskey, get some Kesslers. Man I was never so sick in my life. I was throwing up my neighbors dinner.”
He said, “Was it good food?”
He didn't get at all what I was saying. Hell maybe no one would get it. I may just be too weird to understand.
I said, “Yes.”
There are strange and yet wonderful examples of the transformation of human nature here. Barney is one example. Barney was a thief and more before he became deathly ill and found himself here. Barney in his own very strange way lends help and love to his fellow travelers and only asks for a twenty four ounce beer on occasion.
He is one of those people that just doesn't talk this disillusion God thing, he actually does something in return. I find it fascinating when people truly do walk a path of some form of spiritual belief in a God that they have never seen. Barney lives his life now doing good deeds because he believes it will get him into heaven after a long life. All he ever ask for is an occasional beer. As I said before Barney says, “I gave up everything else, thieving, the liquor, cocaine and the rest, please just let me have a beer every day. I don't want to give up my beer.”
I think the imaginary God is fine with Barney having his beer.
If I were to believe in God I would believe in the scenario that God took away my ability to walk to teach me just how important that was to me but I needed to learn how to look at the world siting down and well what do you know all my creative endeavors are easily available as I am sitting down so it is also a gift in that respect and this is all because of God.
My life would be so much easier if I could believe that but I don't. It's ridiculous and ludicrous as are most justifications for God. I don't deny Barney his analogy of what works for him in his life. I just don't want to be forced to also follow it.
I have been near death recently two times in the last year and a half. If anyone was going to believe in God it should be me but again I don't and by not believing in God I mean the whole biblical teachings.
I have said I did go somewhere and I saw something during those times. It was an alternative to what we know here and now. That's about as far as I have gotten but what it has done is open up a new awareness of the possibilities that do exist out there in that vast and infinite universe. It has opened up the consciousness.
My poor sad roommate is losing his god damn mind every time he thinks i'm about to leave. He wants me to stay here with him forever because I'm a cool roommate and he knows he'll get jerk for a new roommate. He gets genuinely angry at the idea that I'm leaving. I usually just tell him I’ll be here for awhile even though I know it's getting closer and closer to me leaving.
I am coming to complete acceptance of me never walking again. I can stand and motivate myself to different locations. I can transfer myself to various different sitting situations. I just can't and never will walk again and I am beginning to figure out the dynamics of how my life will look in my own apartment because of this. Everything will be at a sitting position. The world will be down to a sitting eye level. I'm ready for the perspective change.
I will surround myself in a room with my creative energies. I will have a corner set up for painting and I will be able to wheel around and be at my computer where I can write and then turn and pick up the guitar and be able to perform and record on the computer.
I am going to have an indoor garden I don't care what it takes. I'm going to figure out how to do it..
I don't care about a television. I am quite happy with my computer, my paints, my guitar, my music, my writing and my passion.
I don't need anything else. Well let me think...
Today has been weather wise an absolutely beautiful day. I went out and sat in it a couple times just letting the energy of the sun bring to my body healing and then found myself angry over the fact that the maintenance guy here hasn't got the watering figured out on the plants outside that I am watching. The dirt in them is bone dry and they are all dying. Pisses me off to no end.
I think it's an example of how they treat everything here. There just isn't enough attention paid to what is living, what needs care and nourishment in all of it's forms.
Each day seems like a terrible duration that I am being subjected to and I keep thinking that my little guy from the group looking for the apartment isn't really doing all that well at finding something. I am going to start looking myself and still work with the organization and get all of the perks that they showed me. I want out of here. I wanted out of here when I first got here and it hasn't changed.
It's a completely new start for me. I really have nothing this time. Oh a few trinkets of memory but that's pretty much it. I've got my computer, my guitar, my camera, some other electronics, some very nice stones thanks to Bird, some great art that I have done and my clothes and that's about it. I would have to dredge up a real battle to get what is rightfully mine from the market and I just don't think it's worth the energy. It’s better to just start over.
I've started over in the past a couple times but never like this. I am starting over on a physical and especially spiritual plane this time also. My life has been completely transformed and in one aspect or another there will always be those around that render some form of service no matter how small. I will no longer be completely independent. I have had the rules changed on me dramatically.
The simple fact that I will have to be transported to dialysis three times a week means that there is a portion of my time, approximately sixteen hours a week that is not mine. Which it's like my part time job. That's the way I look at it at least. It's my part time job that I sleep through most of the time.
I will also need some assistance in keeping my apartment clean and keeping me on a schedule of taking my meds and getting those meds and making sure i'm ok and oh fuck there's a lot involved here isn’t' there. I need physical therapy, real physical therapy and I need pain management through a doctor. I need to have a real doctor that I report to which is all being set up right now.
What I have noticed a I continue to write this book about my stay at Heartland is that as time goes by I am getting stronger and finding myself in a different place and finding that there are a lot more things that are playing into this story. There are so many different avenues that we have to go down now to get the real story, to find the whole story. This has become the story of my consciousness. Ah yes I got back to that again. I can't seem to get too far away from it. The whole thought process that is consciousness. The whole infinite all that is now.
I understand the stories now. The recollection of the past. My dad was a hell of a story teller.
I swear i'm going to fill the cafeteria scene during a lunch break. It' is truly a David Lynch moments.
It' strangely fascinating watching handicapped and old people eat especially if they had been poor most of their lives. The dude that rolls backwards in his wheelchair is coming through the door right now. He is as wide as the doorway and if you are so unlucky enough to get in his way, well you are the first course and the desert being absorbed in his enormous frame as he wheels backwards toward you and finally runs right over you.
For some that are really gone either from age or disillusionment you could have the showing of Petty and friends come and sing songs and it just wouldn't matter.
Jason McCarthy. He s one of the more interesting people in this ground breking documentary done in the clannish style that it so deserves.
Jason is an educated man, was an English teacher for most of his life and has been a dedicated drunk for all of his life. Jason isn't the kind of drunk like I was. He keeps is drunk sophisticated and very french all the time. Jason loves to correct you English and loves to talk French to you not letting you know what he is saying. He's actually an ass for the most part. A very negative man who has a home and everything you need but he keeps showing back up here drying out and looking worse each time.
I have no idea what I am talking about.
I haven't written anything for almost two days. I found myself dealing with unbelievable pain because a skinny male nurse on third cares more about how he looks than his care to his patients forgot to call in my narcotics order so I didn't have my pain medicine for like eight hours. Getting out of the rhythm of every four hours would now take a solid day or two to get back into it.
I am an addict and if you take away my narcs then I am going to be wheeling around screaming, crying and well wheeling and that is what I did.
Most of this I wrote in that trance like feeling that comes when you are beginning to fall off to sleep but you are still awake. It's a cool feeling. It's hallucinating without any chemicals. You are naturally tripping until... you... finally... fall... asleep...
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool