There is nothing I hate worse than waiting. I have very little patience in general and when it comes to being forced to wait well, it just eats at me like a festering wound.
I am being forced to wait.
The rep I had at the disability empowerment place is changing jobs and I will have a new case manager which could be a good thing since the yanker I had before wasn't doing diddly squat. The problem is an obvious one, I now have to wait to meet the new case manager. I feel my perseverance beginning to falter. I am losing the battle here and it's an unbelievably unfair war which I guess all wars all now that I think of it.
My life is at a precipice that I am hanging over barely holding on. My mind is floating away from my body and I am seeing the world in a fourth dimension, no wait fifth, no wait, sixth, no wait...
I love getting the room so cold that I have to wrap myself in a blanket or maybe three. The security of the warmth of the wrap is just the coolest thing around.
Breath in...
If you listen carefully you can hear the angels whispering to each other their secrets and what makes you worth watching and saving.
The mingling and the connecting of the worlds and of my mental flow is indescribable. I am one with everything and yet I am one. I am the infinite connection to the universe. I am the universe. I am God. I am the crucifixion and I am just a man, a simple ridiculously simple man who just wants to get it, you know get it.
And so meditate is what I did.
When daylight comes it will be a better day. The sunlight will wash away the dark circles from the universes eyes and we will be able to see those things that are after us. They will find any dark corner though and hide until darkness once again lays it's blanket upon us.
When I really think about it. I have been sick for a while now. I think I was diagnosed with diabetes like ten years ago and really I have been struggling with that and high blood pressure and being over weight for ten or more years. I've had moments when it really didn't affect my life but I have also had those moments when it affected my life completely and it changed the way I lived and what direction I was going in .
The alternative worlds for me showed up when I became sick. There were signs that indicated that they had actually been there from the beginning. The awakening was profound.
There is a reason for all of this. I just haven't figured it out yet.
My roommate's brother shows up with some cigs and a lighter for him. Makes is the happiest man alive. That schizophrenic loves to smoke and when he don't have any cigs he's a talking to all three hundred of his guests and they are planning something evil.
I sometimes feel like I am being attacked by a swarm of flying letters of the alphabet that are angry because I can't place the letters in the right places to create words and sentences and paragraphs and chapters.
Today is my weekly visit from my daughter and my grandson. I always find myself sitting waiting so impatiently, so ready to see them. I become excited inside. I just keep drinking coffee wait.
It's a two cup day already. I wheel up to get the filtered water and nuke the water in the microwave in the cafeteria. The cleaning ladies are in there and they always talk to me. They love me. I will always be comrades and friends to those who work with their bodies, they legs, their hands. I always did, well except when I was a computer programmer. That basically was working with my mind and my fingers.
I remember when you could still smoke in the office. I used to smoke three pack of Camel a day and drink three pots of coffee. Yep you read it correctly. Three pots, three packs and when I wasn't at work I was smoking weed non stop.
Hello memories... Let's begin...
I'm waiting on my daughter Sunflower and my grandson Wyeth. I spend the beginning of every Sunday this way. I wait with happy breaths for them to show up so that we can go out into the large area with the trees and such.
My visit with Sunflower and Wyeth was wonderful. Wyeth was focused on breaking up a limb from one of the trees and giving me and Sunflower the sticks. We had a precious time together.
I actually had them bring me a second helping of food today. I can't believe it. It was pork chops with mashed potatoes and sauerkraut. It was a meal that my mother made a lot that was absolutely wonderful. Mom made her own sauerkraut. This is a meal that they made here that was good for a change. That's two days in a row now that the feed has been eatible.
I've over did it in both food and liquids. They will be taking off 5 kilos again tomorrow which is around eleven pounds. It's amazing that they can pull that much off and it's also amazing that our bodies can take on that much fluid that quickly especially if the kidneys arent functioning correctly.
I told everyone I was going to cure myself of diabetes and I have done just that. I never go over 130 on my blood sugar.
My blood pressure is also under control now and what is next is to get my kidneys working again and I believe with the right care and nutrition that it's possible.
It's been a while since I had something like sauerkraut with mashed potatoes and pork. We always mixed it all together and ate it that way. This was a beautiful memory for me and it was needed so badly. My first wife, her mother and I and my daughter used to also eat this meal a lot.
Ham loaf was a favorite of my first wife, her mother who would make the dish and me and my daughter. It's been a long, long time since I was privy to eating that.
My first family, Maggie, her mother and my daughter, had, for about five or six years the kind of life you read about in books. Everything was perfect. The downfall was so quick and devastatng for all of us. The drugs, crystal meth and other speed didn't take long to turn me into a paranoid broken man. What a heartbreaking reality that I think about at least once a day and it's been a long, long time ago that it was real.
I lost for a while my family, my wife, her mother who was a second mom to me, my daughter and everything that went along with that. My daughter made a conscious decision that I would not be taken out of her life or my grandsons. I am eternally grateful to her. More than she will ever be able to realize or understand.
Hello memories
let's begin...
We daydream the same,
apocalypse mind dream of escape and a new world.
I am mingled in the embedded matrix of a simple sketch
that showed up in the sky occasionally.
I was merely the ink from the pen held by the hand of a God that was in essence me.
Eternal is the dreamers dream.
Everlasting is the breath of the breathing beast that is filled with passion and love.
Awakened is the sleeper.
Finally awake man, finally awake.
The mystery lies within the writing.
Just read.
I am on an obsessive mission to record every possible form of music I can. I have been especially focused on getting meditation music that can play continuously all night long while I sleep and I won't have to worry about commercials or any interruptions through out the night. It amazing to me how much meditation, ambient, new age trance music there is out there now. I have been tinkering with New Age for a long time and didn't really realize the growth of the movement toward a more focused and calm life. All of these spiritual adventures are focused around one thing and that is peace through love. It's beautiful. It's consciousness. It's now. It's pure and I will continue to travel down this road to enlightenment and hope that someday I find what it is that I am looking for.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool