I'm coughing up memories.
Clearing my throat of all of the grand ideas that I once had.
Shaking my head,
Scratching my shoulders and knocking the flakes of
ambiguous bullshit off onto the lava floor.
A funny thing happened on the way to anything making sense. A man who had spent his whole life making the rest of us laugh, entertaining us decided he was the unhappiest man on the planet and killed himself.
Now we return you to your wars and violence.
Robin Williams was a hero of mine in a strange way. I embraced his Mork character way to aggressively when I was at Scotts stoned but I learned to love all of the many characters that he portrayed in his movies over the years. What a ridiculous waste to have him be so depressed that he finally thought the best solution was to kill himself. I have to believe that he on some spiritual level believed it was time to move on to the next experience.
How does that happen?
How does a man like Williams who spent his whole life being funny fucking off himself because he is so unhappy!?
I'm pretty fucking unhappy right now but I still can find a reason to get up everyday and put in another day of living. I'm not trying to be insensitive here but he's now gone and can't enrich our lives or his own life and what I am failing to mention is that alcohol is an evil mother fucker. Well alcoholism and drug addiction are evil mother fuckers. I know from a long history of experience.
I don't know what got me sober and clean or why but I am grateful for it. I think it takes a little bit of mystery to really get clean.
It is the next day after Robin Williams died and we are all back to normal. I never got completely back to normal after John Lennon died but with Williams and all of those heroes of mine that have died I finally get another piece of the puzzle. Dying is for the living, not those who have moved on. The one(s) that have move on are fine and they will be there when we get threre. The act of dying is there for the living to learn lessons about, well about living.
The woman from the insurance company that combined my medicare and medicaid together came by again today and we played around for a good two hours. She is one of the most entertaining women I have been around in many a year. Everything about her from the shape of her mouth and body to the sound of her voice is electrifying to me.
Sits down in my wheelchair as if its her favorite comfortable chair and plays ith the laptop resting on her legs.
She is clumbsy and funny and has a strange bubbly way of going about what she is doing.
I finally tell her how nice she looks and how entertaining she is and she gets shy at first and then comes over and sits down beside me on the bed because my roommate comes barreling through the door yelping, “I'm sorry. I won't be long. I have to go to the bathroom.” He hangs around for a bit and then leaves. She goes back to my chair and wheels it's around the room for a bit.
My idiot roommate shows up two more times but only opens the door and apologizes and closes the door.
It was a wonderful afternoon just feeling alive again and happy. I was taken away from this place and put in a place that I feel so familiar with.
After that my dear brother Jacob and I had a somewhat deep conversation on my situation. I listened to him as he spoke of his anger over what had happened and how it was impossible for him not to blame me for part of it and I had to admit that there was a part of this that could have been avoided and the rest is the mystery.
Jacob, because he is not in the middle of the mix gets the feeling that noting is getting done and I am going to be stuck here forever.
I am stuck in the middle of the mix and have the same fears but I also hold onto the belief that these fuckers know what they are doing and that I will get a place to live here soon.
Everything else is in place. I have a bed ordered and ready to be delivered, a port a pottie which I will never use, a wheelchair. The food has been set up, nursing, cleaning, transportation, on and on the list goes. The only thing left is where I am going to live. A pretty important part of this entire puzzle.
I was a little pissed that the world just continued on it's way now that Robin was dead. I was really pissed when Lennon died and I was genuinely pissed on a few others but nothing stop the flow of movement that is called life and death. It's a line of operation that just goes as it is programmed to go and there is no changing or altering it.
The conversation with Jacob only makes it completely clear that we just will not give up on our emotional ties and not look at the logical flow of information here. The family became broken, separated when dad died. We were thrown in different directions because of the dynamics of this family of mine. NO matter how disfunctional we were as a family we still fell apart when he died. He was the center of the black hole for our little universe and it collapsed and took everything with it.
An eye blinked somewhere and a universe was created and the eye blinked and the universe began it's journey to it's end.
It's difficult to explain that those who live the longest lose the most. They watch all of their family, friends, lovers, conquests, victories and failures leave this mortal plane and go to another adventure while they stay fixed here.
All we want are long lives here on earth but do we know what that entails. I guess Robin found that there was just no more that he could find out here. I mean why else would the consciousness of a person allow them to take their own lives if that spiritual nature was not convinced that there was nothing more to give or receive and allowed the human form to end its existence on this plane of experience.
So here I am trying to understand the death of my father that happened four years ago by the death of a famous comedian that happened yesterday. There is nothing similar about their deaths other than they died and that seems to be enough.
If it all tells me anything it tells me that this is the great mystery and I still have a lot of searching to do.
My lady friend has such a beautiful name and it's such a shame that I can't use her actual name but what it means is when speaking of her I just can't think of a name that fits so I will say, my lady friend. My lady friend, with her joyous celebration of life and her innocent hands on approach is so refreshing and yet this whole scenario speak of past lives that experiences and it's important for me to see the similarities and know what to do and what not to do.
It's fascinating how the government is trying so unbelievably hard to sell this new insurance plan to the people and it's probably a positive thing that I have gotten on the beginning of all of this because they will bend over backwards to make sure I get everything I need when this process is over.
You know when I think of the place that I grew up it's not Kilbury Huber Road. The place where dad built the house for mom. I see myself mowing the yard but I am an adult helping my parents out. That place was never home to me. I just wasn't there very long but for my brother Jacob and Thad it was home. For Paul I don't know what he considers home. Kilbury Huber Road or Middle Pike. For me Middle Pike was home.
This place can remind me of my home on Middle Pike sometimes in the way that things are handled. Whenever an agency is working as non-profit and the government is involved in any way there is a lapse of time that happens because of the services that are given through these various agencies especially governmental groups.
The floors smell like the sixties and you don't ever want to lay down on these floors. How I want to live in a place where I can lay down on my floors.
Getting older and a little broken can be lonely especially when you are just well enough to be in a place like this but not well enough to be out running around in the big world. Everything happens in it's own time here and there are now shortcuts. The shortcuts are one of the things that got me here to start with.
Every once in a great while I eat a banana or an orange. I know i'm not supposed to have them but no one, absolutely no one can tell me that something so fresh, so clean tasting can be bad for me.
Been a strange time here lately. The world seems to be unraveling and we are losing more and more of the beautiful people that make our lives more exciting and fun. It's getting harder to find new characters to fill the shoes of those that are lost and that make it a little more frightening every day because it's getting closer to that day when there just isn't anyone left here and it will be time to move on. Eh there is a little bit of excitement in the anticipation also. Just not ready to leave this comfortable seat that I have acquired here in my journeys through the universe on this little blue planet.
Cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool