New goals for a new life
1. Don't forget the beautiful things that have happened during this beautiful life and what beautiful things are still in the mix.
For a brief moment in time, about five years I had the perfect life. I was in love with a beautiful women. I was the father of an absolutely amazing and beautiful daughter and we lived a perfect life that involved the three of us. We also had the love of my wife's mother and I had the support of my family.
Most cannot say that they even had this. Even a few years out of a lifetime lets the soul become enriched with the gifts of life.
The relationship I have with my daughter today is a special kind of loving relationship. It's so important to me, so vital to my existence.
My youngest brother and I have stayed family in so many ways and this is not to say that I am not family with my other two brothers or my mother. This merely says there was something very special there with Nathan and me and it is still there. My other two brothers and I have a strange understanding that when we are needed we will be there. My mom is the same way. When my dad was alive it was a lot of work with him. It was however work needed sometimes to continue to be a family. Nathan is also my best friend and I love his two boys and wife. We are an extension of the family as my daughter, grandson, her partner and my ex wife are.
I've said it before but it is so very true that when my dad passed away the whole family just disintegrated. It wasn't even a year after dad died that I became very, very sick and up until the beginning of this year 2015 I stayed sick and broken. I feel this year being the one that changes my direction completely.
All we are saying is give peace a chance is a great line. I wonder if that sentence had been said yesterday if it would have the same power to it. Let's say a bunch of us are sitting around drinking coffee and talking politics and such and one of us just says, “All we are saying is give peace a chance.” Would we all just stop in our tracks and thing the most brilliant of statements had just been said, Would we start thinking of ways to get that message out there to the people? Of course not because one of us in the crowd isn't name John Lennon.
That's the problem with this world anymore. We don't have any more hero's like Lennon or the Kennedy's or Martin Luther kings, or Curt Cobain. Who's killing these people off. I mean it's either self destruction or lone nut. What if its something different. What if the powers that be get really nervous when there are too many hero's and just randomly kill them off. It seems that the age twenty-seven is when it's a good time to kill off a hero but it hasn't always been that way.
The lone nut goes to prison and we want to be angry at him or her but there is a story behind him or that makes is just down right uncomfortable and even when it's obvious that our government had something to do with it we become dead inside and don't fight back.
There are no coincidences and everything is connected and what is beyond us is being revealed to us every single day but we just aren't paying attention.
Seeing death eye to eye an seeing some of the things that are out there changes everything. Being in a wheelchair, dialysis, high blood pressure, maintained diabetes, (no shit my numbers are always in the 90's just changed my diet), all of these things came on like gangbusters and I wish I could say was surprised but I knew the way I was living that this was the inevitable end
This started out as a goals list. I wonder what goal I am on.
1. Don't forget the beautiful things that have happened during this beautiful life and what beautiful things are still in the mix.
Well I don't think I approached this at all, maybe,
What I have accomplished over the last few days is driving my 
daughter to complete worry over my condition. I poured hot water on my left hand and blistered the hell out of it. I also keep sliding out of bed hitting my head and bruising my legs and arms. Every time I am on the floor it takes me two hours to get back into the bed and eventually my chair. She is convinced that I need to be in assisted living.. I have no idea.
I will be the first to admit that this whole experience has bee at time a nightmare.
I have had moments of pain that Is impossible to describe. I transfer myself to the shower and wonder if this will be the time I fall. I transfer myself to the commode and have the same fear.
There are days I lay in bed and stare at the wheelchair a wonder just how he hell did all of his happen..
I am however coming to grips with the whole handicapped situation and I am learning to to communicate to those caretakers and loved ones in my life that sometimes life is just life and you fall down and you may even get hurt but you, or I in this instance feel that I have to keep moving forward and also be aware enough to know that if I get to a place that I need assisted living then so be it but not until it's time.
I was very frustrated with the disability empowerment people for a while because the things they promised just were not happening and then finally everything fell into place and I am truly amazed at having a nurse come in twice week and check on me and an aid that comes in three times a week and makes sure I get things done that need to be done and doctor that is now aware and concerned for my welfare and is administering the kind of care that works for me.
The system is a monster. Right now I am fighting with medicaid to get my coverage back because Molina one of the companies that working toward combining Medicare and Medicaid and blah blah blah, Molina for some reason told medicaid that I didn't need or want them so Now I am reapplying for Medicaid and trying to get hold of the rep from Molina and giving her hell. I had thoughts of taking her to bed but now I Just want to yell at her.
So for now this is my life. Doctors, drugs, assistants and dialysis. Oh and the wheelchair. Can't forget the chair.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool