Maybe in my next life I will be able to afford good brushes and fine canvas to paint my works of art with. Maybe I'll have a fine easel and a window with plants where I sit in a comfortable chair and mingle the colors with my skin.
Maybe I'll have a good horn to blow all of the time and some tight fine strings to strum and maybe I will have the finest of stones to string on the luxurious silk thread for exquisite necklaces and bracelets.
Maybe part of the art form has been the struggle. Maybe without the dire effort I would not have created the way I did.
To all of the painters, musicians and performers I say we are such a sorry lot of grand and beautiful people. We end up in such ridiculous places and yet we still find our craft. We still create.
My roommate pass me as I come back with my hot water for my coffee and he is headed to smoke. He says, “You got your coffee! You know what is good is that french vanilla cream coffee creamer.” as if he just found out about creamer and one is a french vanilla. He's on his way.
Life is a profound and frightening mystery.
It's Saturday. When I find out on Saturday that Sunflower is going to visit tomorrow which is of course Sunday I immediately find myself floating in a strange mist of uncertainty. I have no idea at that point what to do.
Bird called and we talked forever about the things that took place in our lives in Lima and beyond. We talked about my kitty that I gave her whose name was Karma. Karma was a gift to me and was imperative that I gift karma to Bird.
Bird is the one that sells my art and jewelry. She just has a wonderful knack of presenting my stuff in a way that will get it sold.
It was so refreshing to listen to Bird and to talk about the things that happened up there, the good and bad. It made me realize that my new home is here in Columbus and it's ok. My brother and his boys can come to visit me and we will have our adventures. We found out the last time we were here that it is possible. Once I am out of here I will also go to Lima and visit for a couple days or a week but I will know that I will return home to Columbus when it is all said and done.
The calming voice whispers to me much more frequently now. The beautiful purring that sends me those positive messages and energies is finally becoming the more predominant factor in my life. I am becoming consciousness. I am finding a peace and understanding that I just never had before. Even in the eighties and nineties when I was “a powerful energy” in the spiritual and psychic communities there was still something so pretentious and ridiculous about it all. That has change now. I have been dead and come back to life and I have to find the connection to why that took place and why I will again eventually find myself back in that mysterious realm of existence that is beyond this life.
This life is beautiful. This life is pain. This life is a beautiful aching awareness that we are so significantly insignificant. We are only epochal when we understand that it takes the “all” to make the whole thing work and we are part of that “infinite all” that is happening right “now”.
Just herd a clap of thunder that was stupendous. It was truly amazing. That kind that makes your skin shudder. It started out with a growl and ended with a gigantic roar. Made my fucking day.
Today has been a day of organizing everything. When the time comes for me to move out I want to be ready and I have been feeling on a spiritual level that it's near for me to be moving on. It's time for the next chapter to be written in this book that speaks of a man's life that didn't always go as planned but was never boring or mundane.
I also know today that I got quite a few years ahead of me and my sixties are going to be just grand. I'm ready for it all to open up and unfold and I'm ready to get myself more involved in what is going on around me. I have spent so many times in my life wrapped up in the mire of behaviors and addictions that now that I am free of all of that it's time to spread my broken wings and fly.
I feel so god damned alive right now. It's really quite amazing. I took y therapists advice and went outside and took some photographs and just enjoyed being outside and it opened my whole day up to renewal and a revitalization.
I'm pretty amazed with all of this.
I think the most important thing I have ever done in my life is that I fell off the grid and I didn't consciously do it. Because of everything that has happened I just became a ghost of a living human being. My checking account with a small bank that is inside of a large store is the only thing that says anything about me other than my medicaid, medicare and SSI and that is all based on my disability and such so I appear to have been disabled for an extended period of time which is exactly what has been the case. Since they found me disabled no matter what I have tried to do there has been some catastrophe come up as far as physical and mental health.
I suppose the feelings now of just feeling empowered is because there just isnt anything else that can go wrong, which we know isn't true but I did the things to heal this time and I am in better shape holistically than I have been in a long, long time maybe ever. I feel such an energy right now.
I know that the opening up of the spiritual side of me again has helped tremendously. This time though I don't feel like, “Oh I’m part of a gathering” instead I feel that I am furthering myself along in my search for a spiritual meaning to this all.
There is an individual process that takes place, that must take place before we find ourselves a part of a gathering. We must find out for ourselves what our powers are, what direction should we go in, what elements, animals, plants, rocks and such work best for us and on and on and a lot of this just comes from doing things wrong and finding the right way to do it.
It's all about eating better, sleeping better, dreaming better, lifting ourselves up with positive spiritual forces and human contact with other humans, plants, animals and the earth
It's all about consciousness.
My fondest memories right now are the times I was with Maggie and Sunflower in the early days and also my time as a young boy on the farm. There was an independence and freedom on the farm that most people will never know. You really are on your own and you either work hard and get things done or you don't eat.
The one thing that I know about my father and that I loved and respected about him is that he worked hard for his family.
I miss dad. I never thought I would or never thought I would miss him the way I do. It's a heartbreaking kind of feeling. It's as if his whole life has been erased from the great book of life just as we all end up being.
I am sure there is something that goes beyond after this but the whole scheme around this life ending and we may not remember anything about his life in the next life, or, the next life is just a continuation of lessons but you won't again remember this life is just bullshit.
I don't want to wake up in another life somewhere on another plane of existence and not remember this beautiful life.
The idea of not remembering my wife Maggie, my daughter Sunflower, my grandson Wyeth, my brother Jacob and his two boys, Tuck and Chuckles, his wife Katrina, my mom, dad, brother Thad and brother Paul. To forget everyone that has ever crossed my path. What a terrible trick to play on us. NO wonder all we do is kill each other, abuse the earth, kill and eat other living organisms. We are simply a mindless virus running rampant and finally running out of steam eventually and dying off.
I know there is more and I am going to find out.
It's consciousness.
Thank you for coming along for the ride.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool groovy uber cool