Started remembering a day that I decided to take the day off from work and to drive to Lima to visit my brother and his wife who were moving into their first apartment in Lima. This was before either one of the boys had been born and was a generaly normal time in my life.
I was working for a co-opt utility company in Maysville, Oho. It was 1999 and a lot of us geeks had y2k jobs. I was lucky enough to have one of these jobs.
My brother and his wife seemed so young and so full of a new beginning. It was nice to see. It was also one of those good times for me. I was living in Plain City for my last time in a giant apartment going to the local auction to furnish it and buy odd weird things.
The journey to my brother and his wife's that day was only interrupted once by a policeman that was checking insurance by saying it was a safety check. My little red Toyota had a few things wrong with it. He actually told me after the inspection that if there woud have been one more thing wrong I wouldn't have been going to Lima. I made it to Lima that day.
My brother and his wife and I sat in a restaurant that is long gone that day while a tornado rolled across the field on the other side of the road.
I'm going back to Lima under completely different circumstaces.
I have seen hell, again.
Vivid hell.
Vivid perpetural death.
Or was it just my imagination?
I was finally free. I was on my way to recovery and a new beginning. The ghosts came into my room an pushed me out of bed and I was back in the hospital.
I did a twenty four hour stint in hell.
I was back in another rehab.
My God, my God what happened?
What happened was a spiritual wake up call.
There is no hell other than the hell that our minds create and heaven is a state of being that begins here on earth and transends beyond our wildest imaginatings.
My so called depression is trite and ridiculous. I have so much to be grateful for and at this very moment, the now in the consciousness I am truly grateful.
My daughter Sunflower brought over this uber cool leftovers plate of thanksgiving foods where they went to eat. My daughter, her partner, my grandson and my first wife. It is a new place here on the north side that is very fancy. The food was amazing.
What made it truly a delight was that Sunflower made it a point to bring me something over. It was very kind of her. It made me feel a part of something.
Today I almost felt human again. Seeing Sunflower was a gift from the Gods and the lack of pain is always a good thing.
The thing I find the most frustrating is a situation that is transpiring tonight that has happened at least three times over the last five days and that is they are about to run out of my pain medicine and it will have to be called into some magical twenty-four hour pharmacy that is two to four hours away and I will lay here and fall off the face of the earth because of this incompetence that actually has been one woman for two of the instances. She just refuses to deal with me an to do her damn job. I just keep asking her politely and patiently why she just can't do her damn job. She mumbles something an ignores me.
The one guy from the disability empowerment group, let's call him Eric has shown himself to be a genuinely kind man. He actually brought me over a plate full of food today for thanksgiving. I was moved. He also got me my chair that I am using right now. It's a wonderful wheelchair.
Unfortunately that whole situation with the disability empowermet group will have to be dealt with as far as the apartment, I want to go back to Lima, the apartment, I'm in a rehab recovering from near death and a broken hip. Doing rather nicely actually.
I look for this to be a short stay here and it will be back to the apartment for at least long enough to get the move back to Lima put into place.
The terrible sad irony is that the woman just walked into my room and informed me that they would not deliver the meds until tomorrow night which means I have three left till tomorrow at some point and the saddest part of it all is that she sincerely acted like she didnt understand why it was her inability to do her job that caused this situation.
Here's the crux of the mix.
It is what it is.
It will be whatever it will be.
Getting angry won't change anything other than my attitude.
A positive attitude is the best possible approach so that is exactly what I am going to do.
Get positive.
Maybe I should let them know that I kicked the perc addiction at the appartment with three full days of convulsions.
Na, not yet.
I found myself at the gates of hell on an emotional plument and knew that my options were slim. I either found a way out of it or I gave in to the fall.
I found a way out.
I finally was able to see truth from fiction.
Magical thinking from imagination.
Dreams from reality.
It was a rough twenty four hours.
I was completely out of my mind hallucinating worse than I ever have in my entire life.
I really thought that my life was a continuation of the current nightmares, voice and hallucinatons that would happen over and over again and again.
When it was all said and done it was just another night in the third floor tower where all the acute patients went.
What a ride.
Still don't have my appetite back which means I can't get my energy level back. If it wan't for the girls in physical therapy I would not have made it. They have been so kind and attentive.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool