I keep thinking about how I went through an operation at Lima Memorial to remove MRSA from my spine and the doctor screwed it up and left me handicapped not able to walk and I was out of my mind and dying and got airlifted to OSU where four more operations were done and it now seems that the severity of this is sinking in. My morality has been tested. My life has been placed in front of me and every tiny aspect is being observed, analyzed and put in brackets to make more sense.
I sat in front of the glass door in the small lounge area next to my room and fell sound asleep in my wheelchair.
The girls in physical therapy fabricated a leg rest for my cast that made it more comfortable. The view is a simple view outside those doors. Strong trees with snow and grass and I can see up to route 309 that leads in town and I thought to myself, “This is living, this is co-existing with the natural beauty and power of the earth”. I was a part of my surroundings and not just wedged into some space in time, not recognized or noticed. I was a solitary force of energy that was mingling with all that is creation. My search for consciousness was still in continuation even when I wasn't paying enough attention to know.
I wonder if my brother Paul thinks about me as much as I do him. Its been two years since Paul and I saw each other, maybe longer. I understand his fear, the sheer terror. I understand it completely. I live it every day.
It's been another day of reminiscing to the music. Today has been McCartney. It reminds me of how much I really like his music after the Beatles. Again it's all around the time of Maggie, Sunflower and me at our best. Simply said we are at our best now. Life has a way of moving full circle and bringing us all back to where it all begins and where it begins is where it ends and where the worlds collided.
I am finally home again and Nathan and I can again be a family and I miss my daughter so much and my grandson. I suppose there is always a price to pay. There are many new worlds waiting to happen, new experiences, all greater and grander than this one and this one has been a perfect one. The time I have left I will aim to become a kinder more loving man, a better man, a complete human being always ready for what the new day brings.
McCartney's music has so much depth to it with changes within a song that is unbelievable. It's tripping music. Smoking a big joint and getting very high to his songs.
Nathan texts me and says that the world seems back to right with me back in Lima and I agree. The world is again right.
My new roommate and I are getter closer to me telling him to lighten and shut the fuck up. I've learned something over the last couple years and more, you just gotta let it all go.
I feel a sense of calm right now, acceptance and understanding of everything that has happened to me. I see where I fit into it all and where I didn't fit in. I understand my daughters love she has for me and I realize the things that she and I have gone through.
I paid a price for my alcohol drenched, drug addicted, selfish self centered life. It was a just price to pay. I know today I have been forgiven and I am forgiving myself each and every day that passes.
My roommate is a pitiful ass. He does nothing but lay in his bed, blame everyone for his condition and like clockwork shits himself three times a night.
I do not understand why you would let this place, or places like this depress you. It's slow painful suicide.
I have to work at it sometimes but I know that a positive attitude is the only thing that will save my life and give me a quality of living that is a gift.
I don't see how he can lay in that bed for the entire day and night and he sleeps during most of it. My dad could sleep, man oh man he could count the sheep. My brother Thad can also do some snoozing and most of it is based around depression. My lack of sleep is also hinged around depression. I just deal with it differently.
The goal, the task yes the mission is to continue, to never stop. What this life holds for each and everyone of us creatures here on earth is beyond anything that we can fathom. The mystery of life is a beautiful journey of love, loss, learning and consciousness. Ah yes the journey is more than we will ever be able to understand in this on single lifetime which is why there are a number of lifetimes in different worlds to get through the lesson and path and for all we know there is no getting through it. It just continues forever as the universe has no beginning and no end.
cool peace
hippy mike
love
spirit
cool uber groovy cool